Too Many Unanswered Questions – Review of the Bible

See review here on Amazon.

I would like to be charitable and generous in my evaluation—even Christian, if you know what I mean—but I can’t give this book anything more than ONE STAR because there are just too many unanswered questions in it. As examples:

1. Leviticus 25.44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided that they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans but not Canadians. Why can’t I own Canadians?

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21.7. In this bad economy, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

3. The Bible teaches that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her menstrual period, but how can I tell? Whenever I ask women I meet if they are menstruating, they take offense.

4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor to the Lord [Lev. 1.9]. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35.2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him, or should I ask the police to do it?

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination [Lev. 11.10], it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. Are there different degrees of abomination?

7. Leviticus 21.20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Leviticus 19.27. How should they die?

9. I know from Leviticus 11.6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes people unclean. Does this mean that Tim Tebow must stop throwing footballs, or that football should be abolished?

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Leviticus 19.19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread [cotton and polyester blend]. He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary to get the whole community together to stone them [Lev. 24.10-16]? Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family ceremony, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws [Lev. 20.14]?

If the author of this book can clear up these issues, I’ll consider raising my one-star rating.

What’s Bad for Tiger Ain’t Bad for the Rest of Us

The golf industry is in total shock — its number 1 meal-ticket is now in self-imposed exile. TV viewership is set to fall 50 percent or more, sponsors are going to be bailing out, prize money will be headed down-hill, endorsements are going to dry up. We’re not just talking industry recession here, the golf industry is heading to its own Armageddon. They’ll be going back to wooden shafts any day now.

But hold on. Tiger’s demise is not bad for golfers. Golfers are doing just fine. We’re doing better than fine. In fact, I’ve never done better in my life. I mean who were all these skanky, hot women fucking? Not Tom Brady, not Derek Jeter, not LeBron James. They were fucking a fucking golfer! Who woulda thunk it?

I now carry my golf bag everywhere I go. I take it to work, I take it to bars, I take it to my spinning class and when I’m driving, my golf bag sits prominently on the back seat of my Porsche so everyone can see it. I have a new bumper sticker on my car: “Real Golfer Inside.” I want women to know I play golf. I want them to know I know how to use my putter. I want them to inspect my long shaft. I want them to dream about getting into bed with a guy wearing spikes.

Hey, in the last two weeks I’ve had so many women hitting on me I’ve had to set an artificial limit: No women under 20. I mean, I’m 66-years-old and it just doesn’t look right having a 19-year-old hottie groping for my putter.

I even have Tiger to thank for a potential new career in film. I have just been recruited to play a caddy in the new film about Tiger: Crouching Tiger, Hidden Cocktail Waitress. I’m the guy who is supposed to get drinks for Tiger and his hot ladies and then clean up the mess afterwards.

Plus Tiger leaving the Tour means there’s one more opening on the PGA Tour. One of us is going to get it.

These are tough times for Tiger — and my heart goes out to the poor schmuck — but these are boom times for the rest of us golfers. All you got to know is how to swing your shaft. I mean, this is our time!

And next time you see Elin, let her know I’m available. But she’ll have to get in line.

Obama Blows the Olympics

Losing the Olympics to Rio de Janeiro just shows that Dick Cheney, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and the Republicans have been right all along. Relying on reasoning, discussion and goodwill is just bullshit. What did the Obamas think the Olympic Committee was, the fucking United Nations General Assembly, or something? And what are we, some whiny little country like Brazil? Hell no! We’re the Hegemon. Instead of sending Michelle and Barack to reason with those Socialist and Commie bastards on the Olympic Committee, we should have sent those 40,000 troops slated to go to Afghanistan to Copenhagen instead. You can bet that if the Olympic Committee members had needed to ask permission from our troops to get out of their hotel rooms or use the bathroom, they would have thought twice before rejecting Chicago as the 2016 Olympic site. And if our troops had just kicked down a few hotel room doors as examples of our nation’s commitment to Olympic values, it would have been no contest.

If we had sent our troops to Copenhagen, they’d already be halfway to Afghanistan. A twofer.

Any country can be awarded the Olympics, but We Are the Hegemons. We don’t need to rely on reason and goodwill, we could have taken the Olympics.

The United States had a great opportunity to demonstrate our Dominance to the world. The chronically weak Democrats blew it.

Dick Cheney in 2012. He’ll take back the Olympics for all of us.